Think about it again. When have you let go of an expectation so that you are able to finally breathe comfortably in your own space. Forget all regrets of the past, endless anticipations of the uncertain, let them all go so that you can begin to do your heart’s desires, and set your soul free.
I have been overwhelmed with all that life has laid out for me. I did not expect that today, I would be a walking ambassador, shouldering the burdens of a Khazanah scholar. Much has been expected of me. I knew that the moment this arrived, a figurative ticking clock begins to works its needles, mechanically chiming as the noisy chatters begin. For all that I know, I am not ready to cram my identity into a mould; the charming smooth-talker that wins over the hearts of many, the sparkly overachiever that is spared from even a slight speck of imperfection.
But then again, no way am I in the position, to deny the greatest gift by man, trust. And this trust wasn’t by any, but a corporate giant that has continuously expanded its wings through the skies, an empire built on legacies and successes. As I face my shortcomings, I am reminded again that my existence isn’t to waste. I am supported by a strong system that thrives on passion and a love for what they do. I am unconditionally loved and that is all that matters.
Negativity germinates and multiplies once it has set host on a mind, leeching out happiness and freedom. I am forever haunted by my recurring insecurities, constantly in way to remind me that I am slowly losing myself. That I have blended into and assumed a role never cut out for me. That I am forever bound to mediocrity and no way will I be any better than I am before. If only I could just see that these distractions are solely designed to clutter myself from seeing how much I have grown. Clear skies follow hazy ones. I am waiting for my silver lining.
It is easy to be immersed in your own delusional reality, in assurance of your potential and dominance over the other individuals that exist merely as ‘other mortals’. The question now to pose would be whether they are condemned to inferiority, whether they choose to hide behind the veil or whether they themselves do not see their pearls. I do not have an answer yet, but I believe that we all matter in ambivalent ways.
I wish I could reach out to a person who goes through exactly what I am going through. My heart is broken. Slowly, I feel disconnected, distancing away from everyone I know. I feel a kick inside that tells me I don’t belong anywhere; that I am a lone wolf that is undeserving of attention, communication and love. I quiver at that thought, curling myself in bed as I slowly bleed. Why has god condemned me to such fate? I know that questioning it brings me no further ahead, but neither is accepting it blindly capable of assuaging my pain.
I hoped that at the end of this writing, I would have reconciled with solace, providing me warmth and comfort. I could and would lie by the movements of the mouth and lips to say “Yes I am okay” when my instincts say otherwise, for it knows best what I truly long. For now, it’s time to let go and move on.