Pack my Bags and Move On

Think about it again. When have you let go of an expectation so that you are able to finally breathe comfortably in your own space. Forget all regrets of the past, endless anticipations of the uncertain, let them all go so that you can begin to do your heart’s desires, and set your soul free.

I have been overwhelmed with all that life has laid out for me. I did not expect that today, I would be a walking ambassador, shouldering the burdens of a Khazanah scholar. Much has been expected of me. I knew that the moment this arrived, a figurative ticking clock begins to works its needles, mechanically chiming as the noisy chatters begin. For all that I know, I am not ready to cram my identity into a mould; the charming smooth-talker that wins over the hearts of many, the sparkly overachiever that is spared from even a slight speck of imperfection.

But then again, no way am I in the position, to deny the greatest gift by man, trust. And this trust wasn’t by any, but a corporate giant that has continuously expanded its wings through the skies, an empire built on legacies and successes. As I face my shortcomings, I am reminded again that my existence isn’t to waste. I am supported by a strong system that thrives on passion and a love for what they do. I am unconditionally loved and that is all that matters.

Negativity germinates and multiplies once it has set host on a mind, leeching out happiness and freedom. I am forever haunted by my recurring insecurities, constantly in way to remind me that I am slowly losing myself. That I have blended into and assumed a role never cut out for me. That I am forever bound to mediocrity and no way will I be any better than I am before. If only I could just see that these distractions are solely designed to clutter myself from seeing how much I have grown. Clear skies follow hazy ones. I am waiting for my silver lining.

It is easy to be immersed in your own delusional reality, in assurance of your potential and dominance over the other individuals that exist merely as ‘other mortals’. The question now to pose would be whether they are condemned to inferiority, whether they choose to hide behind the veil or whether they themselves do not see their pearls. I do not have an answer yet, but I believe that we all matter in ambivalent ways.

I wish I could reach out to a person who goes through exactly what I am going through. My heart is broken. Slowly, I feel disconnected, distancing away from everyone I know. I feel a kick inside that tells me I don’t belong anywhere; that I am a lone wolf that is undeserving of attention, communication and love. I quiver at that thought, curling myself in bed as I slowly bleed. Why has god condemned me to such fate? I know that questioning it brings me no further ahead, but neither is accepting it blindly capable of assuaging my pain.

I hoped that at the end of this writing, I would have reconciled with solace, providing me warmth and comfort. I could and would lie by the movements of the mouth and lips to say “Yes I am okay” when my instincts say otherwise, for it knows best what I truly long. For now, it’s time to let go and move on. 

Just a thought

A blog is famous for being highly targeted into a particular niche. I confess to not being able to do that. My problem is that  I have so many interests that juggling all at once make me superficial. Which is why I am still soul searching for this blog’s direction. And hopefully then I can make your reading experience much enjoyable yet with impact. 

I tweeted

Google Glass has the possibility to become the most useful but abused piece of technology in the 21st Century

I could not further elaborate due to character limits, hence I decide to vent it out here instead. The thought of abuse in Google Glass can be very alarming if taken a step further. Especially with rising protests against privacy.

 

I See you, I Judge(d) you

We are always on the lookout, scanning in every detail of each passerby.

“Are those drapes on her?”

“Is that guy wearing makeup?”

“Those baggy Polo shirts make him 20 years older”

And these are continued with a litany of other slews of comments, constantly reassuring ourselves of our majestic existence. I hate to burst your bubble but apparently you won’t be the only doing it. Part of what makes us human beings, social animals, is our uncanny instincts that make snap judgements. Fly back by a thousand or even million years back, the only leverage we have to animals would possibly be as an Samsung to an Iphone. We engage in our external events in our surroundings. Part of what makes our species alive is to judging whether bunking in the dark caves is a better alternative to lying in the bare forest. We manipulate our thoughts, calculate them and make decisions at that instant. Perhaps, at a time like ours where general guidelines to safety are already established, these instincts become redundant. 

I read Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, and Daniel clearly distinguishes that logic usually compensated at the face of creativity in thought. We can then conclude th

Inferiority Complex

Growing up is tough business. You need to settle into shoes you can’t fit in yet. At the same time, you seek liberation yet you face tidal waves of conformity, slowly eroding your individuality. Suddenly, we’re no longer friends, bridged by multiple levels of differences; all contrived by men. (and women too ofc)

I didn’t talk much as a child, but I don’t think I’ve ever experienced insecurities. Nobody really cared. Nobody judged. All that mattered was whether you were coming to his birthday party or not. But when I began high school, it was a totally different sensation. Slowly, I grew out of my box but at the same time felt inferior to so many. I didn’t think I was scared of talking to anyone then, but everytime I did, i always felt as though I was going through screening by people.

I seek balance now and maturity, and seeing things from different perspectives can make you realise that while they judge you, it really is not up to your own judgements to cement their personal opinions about you. Relax.

So my advice: Express, not impress.

It helps by a million times. We constantly pressure ourselves to fit into the mould of what is constituted as acceptable. When your life is all about expressing yourself instead of impressing, you become more truthful and open with other people, not just saying words they expect to. Conformity may also stem from the fear of ‘being yourself’ not so quite fitting to your personality. I beg to differ, a person’s personality can never be constant, but constantly changing. The subconscious mind is a powerful instrument. Inferiority is a mind battle. Nothing or no one is significantly better than you. Conform and you will blend into nothing but reinforcing testimony to the person you’ve been idolisong to be. You no longer exist. You are no longer a person. But a shadow, one that fades im darkness.

Get Paranoid

It’s odd really how the world has sparked and revolutionised from standstill. Literally everyone is connected; KL people especially.
*Typical scenario at an open house*

Person A:”Oh you know her? Yeah, she’s my cousin’s boyfriend’s mother’s bestfriend.”

Person B:”Oh my god. What a coincidence. She’s my cousin’s boyfriend’s mother’s bestfriend too!”

Person C:”Err.. You guys are brothers”

Person A & B: “Right..Oh wait, do we know you?”

Okay, maybe not so typical but the point still stands regardless. In all seriousness, this brings me to a thought, I question whether accessibility to personal identity really exists today. We lose a fair amount of control of it. For instance, I got a suspicious increased number of viewers on this blog very recently. Both viewers reached to my homepage by google searching ‘Azirfan Azhar’; not many Azirfan Azhars that I know of,It’s too random to be coincidental. This would only mean that somebody knew me and wanted to rekindle our forgotten memories. Another reason would simply be that someone was keeping a close eye on me, studying me in details. Not that I’m being ‘perasan’ but hey, come on.. What if the scholarship bodies that I applied to started a survey on all the candidates; who knows?

My identity on the internet, while not excessively profane is mildly unsuitable. I mean, we get wasted at times; not necessarily images but also taboo language, which I proudly use. That thought per se scares me. What about you? Ever googled yourself lately to see a 3rd party impression of you?

I know I have not indulged in specifics. I’ll keep posting from time to time every then and now

Its cheesy and cliched but inevitable in nature.
It’s a warm and mushy feeling inside.
Your legs weaken and shake with fright.
Am I doing it right?
I ask all the time.
I have become a slave to you.

It’s an insatiable thirst for emotional connection.
It prioritizes and demands immediate attention.
It blocks passageways for logic circulation.

It is not lust, that I am for sure.
It is raw unadulterated, sentimental and pure.
When you are no longer drawn by appearance but quality.
I call it the quality of spontaniety.
I never decide, you choose for me.
An inexplicable force that overwhelms.
I am in awe, I am desperate for alms.

It is this intensity welling up, ready to burst.
Not a smile of joy, a smile of satisfaction, relieved of thirst.
An affirmation that you are now all mine.
Blinded by the eye, guided by the heart.

It’s a mental illness to those in disbelief.
For I have passed many nights lonely and sad in grief.
Will I die alone?
Moss up like a motionless stone?

I try to forget but you keep reminding.
Stop playing.
Stop Interrupting.
It is not a stalemate, now a strife.
Nobody is winning so I ask you gently to get the hell out of my life.

And I pray that everyday Im not misguided.
But this kind of crave keeps register.
I have no options, no longer any alternatives.

1+1 no longer equals two, it is a paradox that I knowingly construe.

Ps. I get emo in mornings, so yeah….